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Saturday, 14 May 2011

Update

Sorry I've not been around much at the moment. I'm going through a really hard time. Those of you on my facebook will know that Mike and I have broken up. After 5 years of living together it's been really tough on me. My emotions are all over the place I'm so close to having a full blown relapse into my eating disorder that it's a bit scary. I don't want to end up in hospital over it.. Stop reading here if you are in recovery from an eating disorder or don't like brutally honest rants about being crazy/depressing rambles!

I felt kind of ok about things the other day. Ok we had broken up and I felt awful but I signed up for a half marathon (not the one he proposed to me at ha!) and thought well I need to train, that will keep me wanting to eat. Well it worked to an extent. I made a pretty healthy meal, full of veg, balanced, something I felt ok with. Got upset about something, made myself sick and then started drinking. I don't feel like I know how to get out of this even though I have before but my life was going so well when I recovered before. It's so difficult. An eating disorder is so hard to beat and it seemed to come back so quickly. I ran 5 miles the other day at a not too awful pace... It's gone down though and the last mile was sloooooooow, I haven't been running 'cause I haven't been eating enough. Ughhhhhhhh I don't know what to do about stuff...... So that's it, my running is going down the pan, I probably won't PR at the half marathon I've signed up for, that's if I even make it round and I'm struggling to eat right. I don't even know whether I should post this or not but I've always kept it real on the blog before so I'll keep it real now. I'm thinking trying to start boxing again would be a good plan, I'm just not sure which club to go to, decisions, decisions!

Anyway. I should have some more upbeat posts coming soon! I have my alpro vitality review and next week is National Get Grilling Week and I'm being sent a George Foreman and some food and recipes for it which I'm really looking forward to trying out. Just a shame I will be eating them by myself instead of with Mike, he would have loved this blog perk! :-( I'll have to rope in some friends instead, I'm sure they won't be too disappointed!

So, that's it really... I hope you guys have all had better weeks than me!!

13 comments:

  1. Oh poor you- I had no idea about you and Mike and it is no wonder after being together for so long that you are finding it hard.
    I have no idea about the Ed side of things- only that it sounds so hard to deal with. Maybe having the half marathon to focus on will help though, as then like you say you need to eat properly to fuel yourself. But even if you do not get a pb or even decide not to do it, there are always other races to sign up for when you are feeling better.
    Take care

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  2. Bloody hell Laura, so sorry to hear that. I never picked that up on facebook as I don't check it that often. Hope you are ok though, you have my email if you ever need to chat about stuff. I guess in someways its natural that the ED thoughts have come back with you experiencing emotional stress, I'm sure you'll be on track again soon chick. Life is full of unexpected stuff and I truly believe everything happens for a reason, take care xxx

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  3. my jaw dropped when i read this, Laura, I wish I could give you a hug. you are very aware of yourself and ED relapse is so much more likely when a person is vulnerable. that's why it happens a lot around transitions (going to a new school, going away to college, starting a new job, going through a break up , etc). i hope you have a really really great support person you can talk to in person. the worst thing would be to feel alone in this. and it's good you reached out on the blog so we can all send our love to you!!

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  4. I'm so sorry about you and Mike. Breaking up really really sucks, but you've got to remember that it's normal to really grieve and you won't feel this rubbish forever.
    Look forward to the positive things that you have coming up.
    Huge hugs x

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  5. Oh sweetie - I am so sorry to hear all of this. I'll be thinking about you!

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  6. Oh God Laura, breaking up is shit enough anyway, let alone with a relapse to contend with. If you can though, cut yourself some slack with the running. When things were on a evan keel, PR-ing was and understandably important goal for you. But there has been a big shift since then. Concentrate on taking care of yourself, emotionally and physically, in the best way that you can. Fit running into the context of that, not the other way round.

    I hope you've got some good people around you for support xx

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  7. Sorry you are having such a rotten time. And the fact that you are having these feelings is completely understandable and, well, human. I'm not sure is there anyone out there who's had an ED who can say they've NEVER EVER had those thoughts flicker across their mind even years after they thought they'd recovered...I know I slip and it can be demoralising but you have to pick yourself up and move on no matter how crappy things seem. I think the fact that you can recognise you're heading down that path is a big deal because you are more likely to be able to pull back.

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  8. So sorry Laura... hang in there and don't bash yourself on the exercise front at such a hard time. You need to look after yourself, not punish yourself when life is already sucky.
    Hugs
    Chrissie

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  9. Hi there,
    I haven't been around to all the blogs for a bit, and I feel like this is a perfect post to come to. I'm really sorry to hear you're experiencing all of this.
    Be kind to yourself and put honest, realistic expectations for yourself. Allow the half to be your support and don't put any more pressure on you as you've got a lot right now.

    Surround yourself with people that can support you- this blog world is one of them;)

    Breathe and be kind to your beautiful self Laura;)

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  10. So sorry to read that a long relationship had ended, very tough. Be strong and true to yourself. Others have said it, be good to yourself. And the fact you are trying to cope with ED as well, is there a chance you could get some help with that to prevent a full blow relapse?

    Hugs xxx

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  11. Keep your head up Laura.

    It's always darkest before dawn.

    Be strong. Stay focused. And you'll come through this in no time at all.

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  12. sorry to hear about your break up. just because youve had a relapse it doesn't mean it has to follow the same pattern as before. This is a biggie in your life right now and you are allowed-expected to hit rock bottom. matcha green tea sums it up perfectly x

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  13. Hi there, I am flitting about looking for new running blogs to read and I stumbled across you ... what a heartfelt and raw post ... so sorry to see you're going through a tough time. I hope you stay strong, and hope things start to feel better soon.

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